by: Sarah Giovanelli
When I was in 8th grade, I met the man of my dreams at teen camp. At the time I didn’t know that he was the man of my dreams. I, like most girls headed to Bible college, made a list of what I was looking for in a mate. It turned out that the man I met back in 8th grade fit all my criteria. He was and still is my prince charming. We have been married now going on 14 years. In 2008 our home was shaken in a way we never thought possible when my husband was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that produces cancerous tumors in both of his kidneys. Six years and four surgeries later, I have definitely not perfected the art of “helping a hurting mate” but I have certainly learned a lot. I have learned that love goes far beyond just falling in love with prince charming. Love is being there in the good times and bad. Love is giving your mate space when they need it. Love is loving them through depression. Love is being their strength when they have no more strength.
People ask me all the time how I stay strong through all the surgeries, doctor visits and health problems, and the only answer I can give is that it’s the grace of God. As a senior in high school I had to choose a life verse. I chose Psalms 27:1 thinking that it sounded good. Little did I know that verse would truly become my life verse in many ways. It says, “The Lord is my light and my salvation: whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” I wouldn’t be able to be the help my husband needs me to be if I didn’t get my strength from the Lord.
It takes time to get to know your mate after you get married. To learn their likes and dislikes, their moods and their habits. When you have a mate that develops a health problem, you have to learn them all over again. It is so important that you stay focused on their needs and their moods. I have had to learn that there are times when my husband just needs to be alone. He doesn’t need me asking him how he is feeling every five minutes. I have to read him to know when he needs rest or when he needs family time. Over the last few years my husband and I have learned to communicate without even speaking.
I have learned the importance of paying attention in doctor’s appointments. When it comes to my husband’s health, he always hears the negative and I always hear the solution. Your mate’s medical information is very important. I actually carry around a list of my husband’s medications. I ask questions when we go to doctor’s appointments. It’s important to take an active role in your mate’s health. Your mate doesn’t always know the mood swings that they have or the foods that don’t agree with them. Take notice and take notes. Listen to the doctors and don’t nag, but remind your mate of the doctor’s orders. It’s important that you don’t get upset or show frustration to your mate. They are already frustrated.
Sometimes helping a hurting mate means changing some things in your own life and schedule. Be willing to do so. For the last year, my husband has not been able to keep food of any kind down. I had to learn that not all of our dates can include food. That was hard for me because I love to eat out. I have learned to keep snacks in my purse so I don’t get hungry when we are out. His health comes before mine, but I have to stay healthy too. We have had to change our family meal time. Trust me, through all of this, I have had my moments of complaining to God and sulking, but the key is only complain to God not to your mate. God has proven time and time again that He will give the strength to endure anything. I have spent hours driving around in my car just talking out loud to God. I learned that after talking to Him a huge weight lifts off my shoulders. The Bible says in Psalms 62:8, “Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.”
The best way you can help your hurting mate is to stay close to God. Lean on Him. Let Him be your best friend. My husband and I say all the time that we wouldn’t change anything because we have been able to experience so many blessings through our trials. Someone once said that you have to go through a battle to experience a victory. Sometimes it seems that our battle with my husband’s health is never ending, but then we get a blessing and are reminded that we will see a victory. My husband read in a book that faith is not expecting God to heal you, but it is accepting that God has given you your health problem. God will never give you more than you can handle, so have the faith that if God has allowed the hurt to come then He will give you the strength to handle it and make it through.
My husband went through a brief time of depression. During that time he did not need me to quote scripture to him or preach at him. He needed to find the answers and get the peace of God on his own. He needed me to be his constant and keep his home in order, and most of all he needed my prayers and my support. Through it all we are both stronger and every day our faith grows.
If you have a hurting mate, be whatever they need you to be. Pour your heart out to the Lord. Read His Word and get strength from It. My husband and I have enjoyed the closeness that we have experienced through this and have enjoyed the time that we now get to spend together. Dwell on the positive not the negative. God will see you through. His strength is perfect when our strength is small.
Sarah Giovanelli
Pastor’s Wife
Calvary Baptist Church
Dundalk, MD