by: Sandy Domelle
Most likely the one who is going to build the home more than anyone else is the wife. She’s home more often and is usually the caregiver to the children. The wife is like the Holy Spirit of the home. She works in the background to care for each member, she comforts and tends to the needs of each one in the home. When we think of our home, we have to remember that a home is people and not an edifice. We live in a generation that is more wrapped up in our houses, what they look like, how big they are, decorating them, keeping the yards beautiful, etc and we don’t concentrate on those who live inside the house. What is the value of the house if those inside are destroyed? What is the value of the house if the lives of your children are not built? What is the value of the house if the marriage relationship is broken? Proverbs 14:1 says, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” If we are going to build our home we need to take on the mindset of the wise woman and be a home-builder. Here are some ways that we can work on this.
1. She focuses on her home and not the homes of others.
It’s so easy to focus in on someone else’s flaws or problems before we take a look at our own. You, as the wife and mother of the home, know what your areas of weakness are, concentrate on fixing those areas. Start with making sure you are the right kind of wife in the home. Are you meeting your husband’s physical, mental, and spiritual needs? If not, write down the area you need to work on and make it your top priority to fix that area. If our foundation/marriage is weak, the house will eventually crumble.
After you look at your role as the wife in the home, take a look at your role as a mother. Some of you know your children are wild and unruly whether at home, church, school or in public. That is one area you need to work on. Some of you know that being scheduled is a problem for your family or maybe it’s being on time, work on that. When we look at it as a whole, we want to strive to have a home that runs efficiently and in order. The way we obtain that is by being a wise woman who concentrates on HER home and not someone else’s.
2. She stays home.
You can’t build your home if you are never home to work on it. Many women these days work to help support the family. You may have to work each day, but when you are home, be home. Too many times we schedule so many things to do that we don’t have time to just be home as a family. I look at families that feel they have to give their children every opportunity in the world so they are running around after school to games, music lessons, etc and by the time they get home at night it’s time for bed. When you look at the old days, you see that the strength found in so many homes came from having family time each night. They had time to eat dinner together, have family time and devotions together. You may say, our work schedule doesn’t allow us all to be home at one time for dinner or devotions before bed. If you as the mom can do these things with the children, you are still pulling your home together.
Another thing to think about too is that when you are home, be home in your mind. Don’t be on the phone, email, internet or needing to text people. When I say be home, be home! That one-on-one time grows your children. They are with teachers, babysitters and others all day long. It is your job to fulfill Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” As mothers in the home it’s our duty to help train our children. We can’t do that if we are never home.
3. She doesn’t pick her family apart.
This is one area of which we have to be so careful. Remember, we are training our children. They won’t always get it the first time, and they may not always understand immediately. The more we work with them, the more we can change their flaws. I think of a friend that every time I spend time with her she is talking to me but has her ear to her children and constantly interrupts me to get after her kids. It’s a very frustrating conversation for me because I can’t tell if she’s heard anything I’ve said, and her children are very frustrated because all she is doing is yelling at them. Training our children is teaching them. So many moms don’t want to take the time, or they say they don’t have the time, to be patient and sit down and talk out the flaws they see in their children. If I notice our daughter, Caitlyn, is struggling in an area, we sit down and talk about it. I don’t yell at her to change it, or constantly yell at her to stop it. If I have to say it more than once, obviously, it’s something that needs some one-on-one explaining and teaching from me.
Not only do we tend to pick at our children, but we do the same thing with our husbands. Don’t be constantly picking at him and his flaws. When you constantly are on someone about their flaws all you do is put a wall up. Walls are hard to tear down. There are just as many flaws in you as those that you are pointing out in your husband. I want a strong relationship with my husband and daughter. The way I know to keep our home strong is to praise their strengths. Anyone who is praised enough strives to be better in their life. If you have a child you are frustrated with and can’t get through to them with your yelling or arguing, try spending a day praising them for every little thing you can see. I promise that child will seem different in your eyes by the end of the day.
4. She repairs things that are broken.
Yes, I have a busy husband like many of you. If anything is going to break, it always breaks when he is away. I have had to learn to fix my share of things over several years of marriage. If I don’t fix things sometimes he doesn’t have the time to immediately fix them. If some things are not fixed immediately it leads to more problems. The same is so in your home. If you know there is an area that is broken and you don’t fix it, it can lead to more problems.
As the wife, there are times too when I can’t fix a problem, but I can bandage it until the repairman can care for it. I think sometimes we, as mom, cannot totally fix a problem. Yet, we are there to bandage it so that the problem doesn’t spread further before our husband or the Lord can step in. Some of you have experienced a wayward child. You may have tried to do all you could and may have put bandages on your child. You and your husband tried to be loving, supportive and did all you could. Now, it is up to the Lord to step in to repair them. Sometimes the repairs are minimal but sometimes the repairs can take a long time and cost a lot. I have found that the more attentive that I can possibly be to see any signs of a problem and fix them before they turn into a problem, the better off I am. If we are attentive, we can save ourselves from huge damages. The problem is that most parents are so busy working and caring for things that their children are sitting home by themselves and the problems sneak in unaware.
Be aware in your marriage. Be attentive in your marriage. A good marriage needs time and love to nurture it and to grow. If your marriage seems to have a few rough edges work at repairing those areas. Sometimes it’s just that you all are staying so busy with work and the things of the Lord that you are suffering because of no personal time. Find time every week so that you and your hubby have some “alone time.” Strive to keep your marriage strong! Remember your marriage is the foundation of your home.
5. She keeps her home clean.
Do you know that a clean home breeds comfort? I have heard kids talk about hanging out at someone else’s home because their mom isn’t a clean housekeeper. How embarrassing it would be to have your children speak of you in such a way. My mom taught me as a young girl that the moment my feet were pulling out of my bed to make it. That’s one less thing to do for the day. My hubby jokes that if he has to get up in the night at all, the bed is remade. Cleaning the home shouldn’t take long if you stay on top of it. Many times you just need a little organization, and it will take you a long way.
I do believe in lists but I like a simple list of things. There are some people who go way out in their organizational lists, I can’t have too many lists or I feel overwhelmed. Since my teenage years, I have always been one who loves to have the basic list that I can look at and check things off.
With my home, I try to put the major things all on different days so that I’m not overwhelmed with one full day of cleaning. I like to split it up so that I feel my home is clean all week long. There are some basics I do each day to make the house feel clean. I run the vacuum, tidy up each room as far as the clutter sitting around, and make sure the house smells warm and inviting, etc. The main things like dusting, laundry, or scouring down the bathrooms are all done on different days of the week. The things that I do on a daily basis have become my regular routine.
We are more likely to follow through on things if we have developed a routine in our day. You need to develop a routine that works best for you. I do the dishes as soon as we are done eating. That way when I’m done and have tidied up the kitchen I can sit and relax. If I know the dishes haven’t been done and anyone pops by, then I feel I have an untidy kitchen. To me, the kitchen must be clean 24/7.
Let me emphasize this too, don’t just keep the main room or rooms of the house clean because that’s what people see. Your family sees your whole house every day. I believe if you have poor housekeeping skills they pass off to your children. If you want your daughters to grow up to be good housewives, then you need to teach them by example. When we have a clean and organized home we have a peaceful environment that everyone wants to come home to.
6. She walks with God.
Proverbs 14:2 says, “He that walketh in his uprightness feareth the Lord; but he that is perverse in his ways despiseth him.” You must make sure you have a personal time with the Lord each day. We are not going to be what our family needs if we are not what we need to be spiritually. My heart’s desire is to be the wife, mother and Christian that I need to be. I cannot be what I need to be for my husband if I am not walking with God. My husband doesn’t need a whiner, nagger, ungrateful, selfish wife. Intentionally, we are not these things, but when we haven’t walked with God and the tasks of the day hit us full force or we have a trial or burden that hits us and causes us to dwell on the negatives, we become these things.
7. She watches her mouth.
Let me share a few verses with you.
Matthew 12:36, “But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.”
Proverbs 21:23, “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.”
Proverbs 13:3, “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.”
Proverbs18:7, “A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul.”
Psalms 34:13, “Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.”
There are many, many verses in the Bible that talk about our mouth, tongue and the way we speak. I think every lady has to be so careful with her tongue. By nature we love to socialize, and when we socialize we develop friendships. With friendships we can become too familiar with people who we talk openly about things in our lives that we rarely share with most people. We have to be careful that what we talk about is ALWAYS pleasing to the Lord.
Our words can hurt others deeply. They can offend, and they can run people off. When you tell someone something in private, it rarely stays private. If you know something that shouldn’t be talked about, then don’t bring it up! If you know something that will hurt someone else, don’t talk about it and don’t share it as a prayer request as a way to “help” the situation.
Do you know that when you don’t agree with someone or something that you don’t have to share that opinion with others? If you feel you must, sit back and take a deep look at yourself, you may be the trouble maker in most problems. The best way to get control of your mouth is to memorize the Scriptures, and I would suggest starting with the ones listed above. You say, “Wow, you are pretty blunt on this issue!” Yes, because it’s so hard to see lives hurt and scarred by someone’s mouth. What you say may not mean anything to you the next day, week, month or year, but it could change the rest of someone else’s life.
Building a home takes being a home builder. You may not be able to do all of these things immediately, but you can start working on these things one by one. Make it your goal to be a home builder.